Triggers
by AnonymousDH
Summary: He looks down at his hands. "I had another panic attack," he sighs, his shoulders dropping in the process. "Good," Paula comments and he looks up again, a frown on his face. "Why's that good?" he mumbles, "it hasn't happened in weeks and I feel like a truck hit me." SET in the Sexth Season ;) [DARVEY]
1. Chapter 01 - Triggers

**Hi everyone, so this is based on some news we've gotten for season 6 regarding a certain "cat" and it made me think about how this could possibly help Harvey. Another thing I've realised is that I love writing about Agard, it's like you can comment on Harvey's behaviour through her character and I did that in Couples Therapy mostly (DID YOU HEAR SARAH SAY DARVEY NEEDS COUPLES THERAPY.. OMG), but in that fic the presence of that character has come to an end and that's why this happened too. ANYWAY.. This will be a short multi chapter (think around 5 chapters), and I hope you'll enjoy. Let me know what you think.**

* * *

 **Triggers**

He looks down at his hands. "I had another panic attack," he sighs, his shoulders dropping in the process. "Good," Paula comments and he looks up again, a frown on his face. "Why's that good?" he mumbles, "it hasn't happened in weeks and I feel like a truck hit me."

"What were you doing before it happened again?"

* * *

It's been two weeks, two weeks since that goddamn night and then she doesn't mean the night he showed up at her place. Without a tie, top button of his dress shirt undone. A devastated look on his face. The night he talked about turning himself in and the night she talked him out of that very idea.

" _Because I think you're worthy and I don't want to lose you."_

She swallows, thinking back to that moment. The words slipping of her lips before she could even register them, but that doesn't make them any less true. She just wonders if her own reasoning behind it makes sense, but she never told anyone exactly what she told him that night. Not to Rachel and not to Mitchell, her boyfriend or something. The hadn't really talked about that.

That's also why that goddamn night two weeks ago she didn't get high with the rest of them. She shared a glass of his favourite scotch, but nothing more. Afraid of what she might do or let happen if she did. She shakes her head, it's a weird thought. As if she had expected or wanted something to happen, but she can't. She's with Mitchell.

She told him about Mitchell, she just never told him he was still in the picture.

.

It's been two weeks and day after day she sees how the guilt is eating him up. How he almost locks himself in his office, trying to figure out a way to get Mike out of prison again. Maybe she's always been a good actress, maybe it's the years of pretending, but somehow no one really notices how guilty she's feeling herself.

That's why each day she's there for him and in some way she sees that as him being there for her. They work together as a team, united even more than before. Especially with Rachel now focusing on law school, it's just him and her. Louis and Jessica busy saving what's left of the firm.

Every morning it starts with a cup of coffee, they alternate bringing them along. Either he places it at her desk or she gives it to him when he walks by her cubicle. She sits there every morning, pretending things are the way they used to be and she doesn't necessarily mean between them, but in the firm. She's sitting there for the odd change a client calls or someone needs something, but it's a mess and each day around 1 pm she feels helpless and that's when she allows herself to take one look into his office. Seeing him swamped under paperwork and a frown on his face, that seems to have become permanent the past days.

It's also around that time she contemplates whether or not she should get lunch. Not just for her but for him, but she never does. She hasn't seen him have lunch in as long as she can remember and she can only join him in that habit. Instead she struts into his office, she knows he won't look up and she doesn't care. She just sits down in front of him.

"What do you need me to do?"

It's the same question every single day, and every single day he wants to say that her presence alone is enough, but he never says it, he also never objects to her question. Because it's the way she crooks her head and raises her eyebrows that he knows there's no point in objecting. He lets out a small sigh and hands her another file. They don't speak, but she nods. Flipping through the pages, taking notes of things they might be able to use. He made her a list of things to look for.

And every day around 6 they order in. Mostly from that shitty Thai place she loves. She doesn't allow herself to wonder why it's always that, if he just doesn't know another place or if he does it for her. She feels guilty though, having dinner with her boss five days a week when she has a 'boyfriend' waiting for her at home. Or his home, to be more precise. They're rarely at her place anyway, but she told him about the mess the firm, they, are currently in and how she feels it's her fault just as much. It was her who winked at Harvey that put this all in motion and Mitchell said he understood. As long as they had the weekends together, he gave her this time to fix the firm. He really could be the perfect boyfriend, if she were ready to give it a label.

And each day after dinner, they quietly move to the couch. Two glasses of scotch on the table and files spread around them as they continue working on the impossible task of finding a reason to get Mike out of that place.

Today is just like any other day, at least that's how it started. They're sitting around his coffee table. She's placed on the couch and he's in the chair next to hers, the one near the window sill. Files in their hands, it's mostly quiet and she knows she shouldn't, but the way she feels his eyes drift off to her every once in a while makes her look back from time to time.

It's just a look after all.

.

Mitchell's foot taps against the floor. His back leaning against the wall of the elevator as he stares at the number sign on top. Patiently waiting for the elevator to reach the only floor that still belongs to the once so powerful Pearson Specter Litt.

He's surprised when he steps out of the metal box. It's quiet, he knew it's was only a handful of them left, but he didn't expect it to be this quiet. This deserted, this dark. That's when he remembers her telling him that they have to cut back on expenses and lights are going out on the hallways after six.

How that isn't a problem for those that work there, because the routes they have to walk they've memorised. Mitchell himself doesn't exactly know where to go, all he knows is that it's a corner office. The one where she sits out in front of.

He slowly walks through the hallway, no clue if he's going in the correct direction, but he sees some light in the distance and he can only assume he is. Mitchell walks past the restrooms, seeing some deserted cubicles on his right, he turns around them as he notices how the light is coming from the office on his far right. He scans the room in front of him, only then realising she isn't exactly sitting outside said office.

He spots her vibrant her in no time. Sitting on the left end of a couch, with a file in her hand. His head turning a bit he spots the man he assumes to be Harvey in the chair next to her. He gets stopped in his tracks, he can't move. Not walking any further, but also unable to walk away. Only able to listen and watch what's happening inside the office.

Harvey turns over another page of the file in his hand, his eyes lifting ever so slightly in her direction and that's when he notices she's drifting off. Her eyes blinking slowly, her grip around the file loosely.

Mitchell notices the way the other man's lips curl up. The way he smiles, the way he shifts on his chair. The way he tries to reach for the redhead, probably to wake her up, but he doesn't touch her. He notices how the man's hand balls up in the middle of the air and is pulled back, as instead her name leaves the man's lips.

Mitchell frowns upon hearing it. For a man he pictured to be a badass lawyer, the stories (albeit very little) Donna told about him, didn't really match with the voice he hears. At least not with what he imagined. He notices her eyes opening slowly, the way she looks kind of surprised to be there but she smiles non the less and he wonders if this is the moment to step inside said office or walk away.

He hears the man tell his girlfriend she was falling asleep, that maybe she should go home. He also sees her shake her head, hearing her say how she should help with this case, because it's her fault too. Mitchell can't even feel annoyed at her reaction. She told him what this case meant to her, how she kept her word. How she was loyal to those she works with and this was just that.

Donna reaches for the next file, still sleepy but she doesn't leave. Not until he gives up. They're supposed to be a team. Now more than ever. She gives Harvey a small smile as she pulls her legs up on the couch, lying herself down on her side she continues flipping through the pages. Harvey gives her a small smile in return as he leans back in his own chair. Continuing reading the files.

Mitchell rocks back and forth on his feet. Turning around he walks back to where he came from, not entirely sure what he should do or what exactly he witnessed, but halfway to the elevators he turns around, telling himself she's his girlfriend and he should be able to pick her up from work if he wants to.

Taking firm steps back to the corner office, he knocks on the glass door, making Harvey's head pop up at the unexpected sound. Harvey swallows, seeing the man standing inside his office and he instantly has an idea of who this must be.

Mitchell.

They don't speak, instead he places the file in his hand on the table. He notices how she doesn't speak either and he slowly looks to his left only to find her sleeping on his couch. "I think she fell asleep," he answers the man as he lifts himself out of his chair. Not sure whether he should walk over or not, but the man does it for him.

Mitchell frowns as he hears the man speak this time. His voice at least then times darker and he isn't entirely sure if Donna told him about him, but she said she did and he trusts her.

Harvey can feel his hand trembling. He's fighting the urge to punch the man in front of him, but he knows the redhead would never forgive him if he did. Instead he does something he never did before. He extends his hand, greeting the man the woman he loves is in a relationship with.

"Harvey Specter," he shakes the man's hand firmly. "Mitchell Johnson," the other man answers, "Donna's boyfriend," he adds pointing at the sleeping redhead on the couch. Harvey swallows, wondering why the man felt the need to add that line, but deep down he knew why.

"I know," he answers with a nod, letting himself fall back in his chair he can't help but think how it are the exact same words she always says to him. Mitchell's jaw clenches, but he walks over to the couch. Sitting down next to her. His hand moves over her arm and he whispers her name, trying to wake her up.

Her eyes flutter open and the unexpected yet familiar touch. "H.. Harvey?" she mumbles confused as she sees he's still sitting in the chair he was in earlier. Both his hands around a folder. "It's me," she hears and her eyes open fully now, as she turns to the man who's hand is still on hers. "Hey," she mumbles, but her smile falters just a little as she shakes her head, wrapping her head around what just happened.

.

Harvey bites his tongue, his jaw clenching as he watches the entire situation play out in front of him. The way her hand slips in the other man's hand. The way she smiles and follows him, like she once used to follow him, but in an entirely different way.

He doesn't dare to comment. At least not on them. On how stupid he's been he has a billion words ready, but even if he were to comment he can't. He physically can't, his mouth feeling dry and his breath falters. His vision starts to blur, her auburn lock disappearing in the distance the only thing he's still able to see. The sound of her heels hitting the floor fading away in the sound of his pounding heart.

He manages to wait till she's out of his sight and he carries himself to the restrooms in an instant. Even in the dark, his hands searching for the stall that he had claimed his more than once and his knees give in as he drops to the floor. His chest cracks open and things are a blur, but he knows exactly what's happening.


	2. Chapter 2 - Donna

**Wow, thanks everyone for the favs/ follows. DarveyUK, DonnaSpecter, Carebearmaxi, Atheniandream, Cadalways, Chrissi, Cez, Darlingareyouwithme, Sjacks2435, Meeshmo, Onyxcareles and EmMNarang2513 THANK YOU for your reviews! Really loved reading them and they made me update right away ad I really want to try and get this entire fic out there before Suits returns, so fingers crossed for me XD.. Anyway here's the next part, hope you like it and maybe let me know what you think? xx**

* * *

 **Chapter 2 - Donna**

She lets out a yawn, turning off the lighting as she's ready to go to bed when three firm knocks on her door make her stop in her tracks. She lets out a sigh, turning the light back on as she walks over to her front door. She contemplates whether she should open the door or not, but does when she sees it's the man she knows all too well.

"Harvey, it's the middle of the night. What are you doing here?"

He opens his mouth to answer her, his hand falling against the door frame, but before he gets a chance to speak, she steps aside, spotting the fear in his eyes. "It happened again," Paula assesses, wrapping her bathrobe tighter around her body.

"Yes," he looks down, his feet already bringing him to the couch he had sat on so many times in the past months. "Tell me what happened," she starts sitting herself down opposite of him. "You know what happened," he breathes his hands running down his legs.

She lets out a sigh. "You're right, Harvey I do know what happened. But it's the middle of the night and if you want my help you better work with me. I need you to say it, because you know that step one to making them stop is talking about it."

He looks down. "I had another panic attack," he sighs, his shoulders dropping in the process. "Good," Paula comments and he looks up again. "Why's that good?" he mumbles, "it hasn't happened in weeks and I feel like a truck hit me."

"What were you doing before it happened again?"

He lets out a sigh. "I was working on trying to get my associate out of prison," he wants to finish his sentence there, but dr. Agard looks at him and he knows he can't get away with that reason. "I.." he mumbles, "I was working together with Donna. It was late and she went home," he answers. "So Donna went home and then you had a panic attack," she repeats his words, frowning at him.

"That's what I said," he comments, his jaw clenching cause he knows it's not the truth and even though he came here, saying it is just too much. "Harvey," she lets out a sigh, "I need you to be honest with me," she orders. "I am," he lies.

"Fine," she remarks leaning back in her chair. "Then tell me, why where you working together with Donna again?" she asks, deciding to take another route. "Like I said," he sighs, "to find a way to get my associate out of prison."

She nods, "I know, but I need you to walk me through it. Tell me exactly what happened with your associate," she comments. She's seen the news, she knows what happened, just not the ins and outs. "The afternoon," he swallows, "The day I came here.. the day I came here to determine whether or not I should resign, Mike got arrested for conspiracy to commit fraud. We went to trial, but minutes before the jury could announce their verdict Mike cut a deal with the Federal Prosecutor on the case. Two years in prison and it got the rest of us off the hook."

Paula nods, "and you were working on getting him out?" He nods. "Yes," he answers as well. "Then tell me why you were working on this with Donna and not Gretchen? Your new secretary," she leans against her chair, studying his face when she mentions the woman's name she met once. Just minutes after she last saw the man across the table from her.

"Because she came back," his lips curl up just a little, but it doesn't go unnoticed to the therapist. Giving him the same small smile, she thinks about her next question. "Why are you trying to get him out? If he cut a deal, I can only assume he was guilty of what he was charged with?"

"Because I was going to cut a deal myself, but he beat me to it," he looks down. "You feel guilty," she comments and he swallows, nodding. "If you were going to cut a deal yourself, why did you wait till the last minute to do so?"

"Because I didn't know I was going to do it," he fires back, "not until I realised he was going to do it himself."

"Why didn't you know you were going to do that?" Paula pushes him. "Because.. Because I decided to wait for the verdict. I believed the case we made was worthy of being found innocent," he answers. "You decided that on your own?" Paula counters and she sees him swallow, but he doesn't answer.

"Harvey," she waits for him to look at her again, "last time I saw you, you were contemplating whether or not you should resign in order to save the firm," she pauses seeing him nod slowly, "you asked me to block out the day for an emergency session, so you could make that decision. That was resigning, this was facing prison charges and you're trying to tell me you made that decision on your own?"

His eyes close and his shoulders drop and it's enough for her to read through it. "Who did you talk to, to make that decision?" she asks, her eyes meeting his as he mumbles , "you know who." She nods, "I do know, but I need you to say it."

"Donna," he sighs breaking the silence, "I went to talk to Donna."

"And she talked you out of turning yourself in?" Paula asks. "She did," he nods. "Why did talk to her and not me?" the therapist questions and he feels like he's in that room with the redhead again, when she asked him the exact same thing. "Because that was business and this is personal."

Paula gives him a small smile, realising this is the furthest they've ever come on the entire Donna subject and she knows there's so much more to talk about, but right now he was there because he had had another panic attack.

"Harvey, the first time you were here you told me your panic attacks would stop if your secretary came back," she pauses looking at how he already closes his eyes, "Now you told me Donna came back to you, yet you had another one today. What really happened?"

He lets out a sigh. "She left," he repeats already seeing the disapproving look the blonde is giving him. "We were working on getting Mike out and she… she left with her.." he pauses. "Her what?" Paula counters, not even pronouncing how she needs him to say it.

"With the dude she's seeing," he blurts out then, realising there's no way back now. As much as he tried to steer every conversation away from the very topic, as much as he tried to tell himself it wasn't because of her. Or that it wasn't like that, it was and now dr. Agard knows. He closes his eyes, only then realising that maybe she knew all along.

"Her boyfriend," Paula comments. "Mitchell," he confirms, his answer making Paula frown, realising he dropped that name once weeks ago when he was in a bad mood, but the way he talked back then made her think it hadn't anything to do with Donna. "If you knew she was seeing someone weeks ago, then why is this now translating into a panic attack."

"I didn't –" he cuts his sentence off as he sees her giving him a look Donna mastered, the one saying she knows he's talking bullshit. "I did know," he sighs, "but I.. I didn't think.. I didn't realise it was… " he lets out a breath, "I didn't know he was still in the picture."

"You didn't know or you hoped he wasn't?" Paula counters and his eyes pop open again. "I.." he lets out a deep breath, remaining silent. "Okay," she sighs, "let's say I believe you believed he wasn't in the picture anymore. What gave you that impression?"

He opens his mouth, ready to speak but he's suddenly wondering if the things he thought were signs, and he doesn't even want to call them that, if they were real. Wondering if he misinterpreted everything, but then again it took him twelve years to even see what was right in front of him, so maybe this was just karma.

"Harvey," Paula starts as he remains silent, but she could see he was thinking about something. "What were you thinking about?" He looks up letting out a deep breath, "the things she said to me this last month."

"Okay," Paula nods, "why don't you start with telling me what she said to stop you from turning yourself in."

"She.. uhm.. she said don't do it," he looks down, a wave of guilt washing over him, "she said don't fall on your sword again. You don't always have to be the hero," he recalls her exact words from that night two and a half weeks ago. "Were you?" Paula asks, "thinking about doing it to be the hero?"

"What?" he shakes his head. "No, of course not. It had nothing to do with me having to save the day, but it was my fault. I hired the kid, I started this mess. I did this," he points at himself. "The way I see it," Paula starts, leaning forward, "it's Mike's fault just as much as it is yours."

He closes his eyes, swallowing. "That's what she said too."

"What else did she say, Harvey? Cause the way I've gotten to know you that isn't enough to make you change your mind." He shifts on the couch a little, his jaw clenching before he speaks. "She asked me to believe that we were worthy of being found innocent and that if I couldn't do that I should turn myself in."

"What made you believe you were?" Harvey looks up again. "Because … because she said I was. Worthy," he pauses for a second, "she said she didn't want to lose me."

.

They talk about how Donna's father got mixed up in the mess, how they used Donna to put pressure on him. Why he thinks they used Donna for that purpose, and even though he had a hard time saying it. She's his weakness.

They talk about the way he fought with Donna, how she told him she didn't want to choose between her father and him. How all he wanted to do was protect her no matter what and a nervous chuckle escapes his own lips when he realises it was the exact same conversation he had with Donna before. Not just once, but when Cameron Dennis came after him. And again with the memo.

They talk about why she came back to work for him. The way he found out, that she was waiting in his apartment. The way she said "you need me," the exact words he always used to her. He even mentions the conversation they had about that cactus that's still on his coffee table.

"Harvey," Paula speaks to get his attention, "when you came here for the first time we talked about how Donna leaving you was connected to your trust and abandonment issues. That her leaving was the trigger for those panic attacks and now, based on what you just told me, you had another one because you found out she's in a relationship."

He bites his tongue, realising all too well that that is what happened. He knows that as much as he tried to ignore and steer every other session he once had away from her, now that he blurted it out he can't stop talking about her. He also knows that by everything he's said now, this session is going in one direction and one direction only.

"Why did Donna really quit working for you a few months ago?"


	3. Chapter 3 - Moving On

**AAAAH, THANK YOU all again for the reviews, you have no idea how happy they make me. LOVE THEM. I'm glad you all liked dr. Agard and how she questioned him about what really happened. From now on it will be mixed.. both therapy sessions and the actual events (and IDK if it makes sense but I'm trying to use them like we see on the show.. in the middle of things that happen).. Anyway, here's the third chapter, this one's a bit longer but I'm sure you won't mind. Enjoy and love to hear what you think. x**

* * *

 **Chapter 3 – Moving on**

She lets her hands run down over her dress, fidgeting with the fabric before she brings her hand back to the two coffee cups she's holding in the other. Her index finger tracing the edge of the plastic lid she stares at the numbers creeping up.

She feels nervous, knowing all too well that she shouldn't be feeling that way. Your boss and your boyfriend should be able to meet each other, but for her the first was almost both. She shakes her head again. He was never both, not even almost. Running away before anything that indicates that 'almost' could even happen, but she feels nervous non the less.

She woke up on Harvey's couch, while both men were there. Talking to each other, trying to keep things civil, knowing at least one of them normally would have taken a swing at the other. The thing she's most ashamed of is saying his name. Harvey's.

And then she doesn't mean saying it in front of Mitchell, because in all fairness she fell asleep on his couch, in his office and Mitchell wasn't supposed to be there. She feels ashamed at how natural it felt saying that name, too ashamed to even wonder the meaning behind it. Would she have wanted it to be Harvey? The one to wake her up, touch her? Too ashamed to even think about how the answer wouldn't have been negative.

The ding of the elevator indicating she reached the floor of her destination cutting the time with her thoughts short, she lets out a breath. Placing one four inch heel for the other she walks herself over to her cubicle. Placing both cups on her own desk as she notices how he isn't there yet.

She settles herself down on her desk chair, logging into the system she opens his calendar. Where she'd normally move appointments around, make his schedule as efficient as ever, all she can do now is stare at the nearly empty screen, waiting for Harvey to show up and work on Mike's case again.

.

Paula lets out a sigh as studies the man in front of her again. Seeing him again this morning after having talked to him for two hours the night before, it's almost as if all progress they made last night is put on hold. Somehow his guard is back up and the answers are coming less willingly this time around, but the topic is still the same. It's still about her, about Donna.

"And why did you do that, Harvey?" she mumbles then, shifting on her chair as she holds onto her notebook. "Because.." he mumbles letting out a breath as his phone starts ringing. "Sorry," he continues pushing himself to the edge of the couch, his right hand reaching for the inner pocket of his jacket, "it's probably work."

She signals that it's okay, studying his face as he pulls the phone out in front of him. The way he freezes for a few seconds, not answering, but not hitting ignore either. "Is it Donna?" Paula comments and he slowly nods lifting his head to look at the blonde, the phone still ringing in his hand.

"Why don't you answer?" she points at the object. Her words making him frown, but he doesn't act. "Why would I answer now?" he asks instead. "To tell her you are here," Paula counters, "she's probably wondering where you are."

"I can't tell her that," he answers, his right hand still in the air, the phone in it. "Why not?" Paula asks crooking her head, challenging him. "She knows I had panic attacks before and… " he lets out a sigh, "and if I tell her I'm here she knows it happened again and she'll figure out why."

"And why would that be such a bad thing?" Paula retaliates his objection, seeing him look at her as if she's gone insane. "Because she has moved on," he answers firmly, trying to keep his voice in check, "she's happy," he adds, not sure if he said if for dr. Agard or for himself as an out.

"Are you one hundred percent sure about that?"

"What?" he mumbles, trying to find meaning in her words but his thought are interrupted when the phone in his hand finally silences. Her picture on his screen changing to the 'one missed call' message. "You just missed another chance," Paula comments pointing at the phone.

"I didn't.." he mumbles, finally able to physically move his hand. "This wasn't –"

"Yes it was and you know it," dr. Agard points out, "but you're not willing to take a risk."

.

Her typing slows down, her back straightening and her head turns in the direction of the hallway. Her eyes widening as he comes in her sight. She instantly notices the look on his face, the way his jaw is clenched, that frown above his once sparkling eyes. Her hands settle on the edge of her desk, and her feet move over the floor as she pushes her chair back.

Lifting herself up in one go, her hand automatically moving towards the cup of coffee she brought along for him this morning. But she pulls her hand back as she realizes it has turned cold by now. She turns around following him inside his office as he doesn't greet her.

She closes the door behind her. Her hand still holding onto the aluminium handle as she speaks loudly. "Where were you this morning?"

.

His eyes close, dr. Agard now throwing the same accusation in his direction the redhead had done only months ago. _"But you don't want to let those worlds collide, because you're afraid to risk anything."_ He lets out a sigh, letting his phone drop on the couch next to him. "There isn't anything to risk anymore."

"There isn't anything to risk anymore?" Paula repeats his words in disbelief. "She moved on," he moves forward, letting his right elbow lean on his knee, "there's no point."

"Harvey, if this was a client you had set your sights on, but was happily signed with another firm. You'd still try to win over said client," she lectures, pointing at him. "That's work," he sighs throwing his hands in the air, "and this is personal."

"And since when aren't you allowed to work on your own happiness?"

"Because she is happy," he fires back so forcefully he gets on his feet. His own reaction surprising him, he brings his hand to his head, his fingers slipping through his hair. "And I just want her to be happy."

Paula looks at the man in front of him, signalling the couch again she waits for him to sit down. She grabs her notebook and looks at her own handwriting. "Last night you told me what really happened a few months ago. What you told her that night, the fight that followed and how she left," dr. Agard pauses, "we're five months further now and she's been with this guy for almost just as long as that."

"You told her you loved her and she said the same thing to you just before she left you," Harvey swallows upon hearing the words. "But she moved on," he repeats, his jaw clenching as he looks away. "Or she's trying to protect herself by not taking any more emotional risks."

His frowns, looking down not sure what to say, and Paula lets out a small breath. "Do you think that after twelve years, the history the two of you shared, those feelings are suddenly gone? Do you really believe she moved on for good, without definite closure on where the two of you stand?"

"So then what do I do?"

Paula's lips curl up a little. "You allow her to move on," she speaks. "What?" he counters looking confused. "Either with this Mitchell guy or with you, but in order for her to move on and be happy, the one thing you want her to be, she should know all her options."

.

He looks over his shoulder in her direction, the tone she's using different from what he expected. "I called you three times," she counters finally letting go of the door, "least you could have done was tell me where you were."

"I had a meeting," he answer as truthfully as possible without letting her know what happened, turning to face his desk again he starts looking through the files. "No you didn't," she answers and he just knows she's shaking her head at him. "I did," he sighs, his back still turned towards her. Lifting the folder he was looking for he notices how the room falls silent between them.

He can hear her swallow, the way her shoes rock back and forth on the floor and the way the "Ooh," that leaves her lips was filled with a hint of sadness. His eyes closing in the process as he realizes what she must think now. "Not like that," he drops the files again.

"If.." he mumbles, walking himself over to the window sill. The words of dr. Agard running through his mind. "If you must know.." he pauses, letting his fingertips dangle just above the wooden edge. "I don't do that anymore, it's not what I want. I.. I want more."

She freezes on the spot, his words forming a knot in her stomach she knows she isn't supposed to feel. She moved on, she's with Mitchell now, but somehow she can't help but wonder if instead of explaining where he actually he said this for her.

"Okay," she whispers so softly it goes unnoticed to him, she steps forwards to his desk, reaching for the files. "I'm going to make those copies you wanted," she mumbles backing away again. Her name leaving his lips just after the door fell shut again.

.

The managing partner sees the redhead walk out of his office, files pressed against her body with her arms, she seems to be mumbling something to herself as she keeps walking. Jessica pauses for a second, but doesn't follow or talk to the legal secretary. Instead she continues the path down to his office, she was on a mission of her own.

"Where the hell were you this morning?" Jessica starts, "Cause if you want to keep working on getting your associate out instead of rebuilding the firm like the rest of us is trying, you better goddamn be here."

His shoulders move down, his head along with it as he places one of the glass statues back on the sill. "Do you think she's happy?" he whispers then, not even turning around to face his fellow name partner. "What?" Jessica mumbles, her rage faltering in mere seconds.

"Donna," he mumbles staring at the Manhattan skyline, "is she happy?"

"She seems happy," Jessica answers in a whisper, walking over to the lawyer, "given the circumstances I think she is," she tells him her point of view as she leans against the window sill next to him. Her eyes directed on his face, she sees him sigh. "But that doesn't mean I haven't seen her happier."

He slowly turns his head in her direction, seeing her nod and he swallows once more. His head falling down in a small nod as the managing partners right hand squeezes his shoulder. "You should tell her."

.

She walks into his office, placing the files on his desk. He doesn't look up and she lets out a small smile at his unchanged behaviour. "Do you need anything else, Harvey?" she asks in a whisper, "or else I'm going home."

He looks up then, his eyes meeting hers and he gives her a small smile. "I'm fine, Donna," he mumbles, "have a great weekend," he looks down again. Her own eyes close and her shoulders drop slightly, she walks back to his door, contemplating whether or not she should say something else. "I'm sorry I yelled at you this morning," she whispers lingering in the door opening, not ready to say goodbye just yet.

Dropping his pen and lifting his head he looks at her again. "Don't be," he presses his lips in a thin line, "I should have let you know I was coming in later. I'm sorry." They quietly look at the other for a few seconds, her lips curling up in a smile as she pushes herself back on her feet. "Goodnight, Harvey."

He smiles, looking down, his hand tapping against his closed laptop. "Goodnight, Donna," he whispers to himself, seeing her auburn manes disappear in the distance and he wonders if he ever gets to say that to her from up close. Just before she falls asleep, his lips near her ear and his arm holding her close.

.

She pulls her legs up on the couch, wrapping a blanket around her shoulders she turns on the television. With a cup of tea in her hand she tries to follow the news, but her mind is preoccupied with the events of the past days. What he said to her earlier on the day, how it went back to business straight after that and the way she fell asleep near him is still on her mind too.

Her eyes flicker back up to her TV screen and down to her coffee table when she hears her phone buzzing. Opening the message she leans back on her couch, shaking her head as she reads. **"F*ck. Sorry. Couldn't leave the office, should have called earlier. Meet tomorrow for lunch? – M"**

With a frown on her face she tilts her head, looking at the clock she sees it's eleven pm. "Shit," she whispers to herself, pulling herself back on the couch. "Shit how could I .." she mumbles, searching through her calendar, but it all comes down to the same conclusion. They were supposed to meet three hours ago and she forgot. "I'm Donna, how could I forget."

Texting him back that it's no big deal and that she will meet him tomorrow, she leaves out how she hadn't thought about it either. She goes to bed that night, alone, but yet another thing occupying her mind. How she could have forgotten they were supposed to meet at her place and she likes to tell herself it's just because she's so busy working on Mike's case, but that's not the complete truth.

.

She's sitting on a bench in Central Park, enjoying the summer sun, a smile appearing on her face as she sees him walking towards her. A bouquet of roses in his hands, he sits down next to her. Placing a kiss on her cheek he hands her the flowers.

"What's this?" she whispers smelling them. "An apology," he mumbles giving her a small smile. "I'm sorry I stood you up last night." She looks at him, briefly raising her shoulders as if to say it was okay. "And I should have let you know earlier that I wasn't going to make it."

She nods, "that you should have," she counters looking at the flowers again, not mentioning anything about her own mix up. She places the flowers down on the bench next to her. Reaching for the two cups of coffee and the sandwiches she prepared, handing him one of each.

They share their lunch, talking about everything and nothing, both of them commenting on people that walk by. She leans against him, her gaze following some family in the distance. He looks at her, his own lips curling up as he sees her smile pared with this dreamy look in her eyes.

"What are you smiling about?" his shoulder slowly bumps against hers. "Huh," she mumbles turning to face him as he repeats the same question. "Ooh nothing, really," she answers, her hand finding his she gives him a reassuring squeeze. "I promised to spend the afternoon with Rachel," she tells him with a sad smile, knowing their time together is over again, "she's still a mess."

"I understand," he nods, kissing her briefly before he gets up from the bench. His hand still holding onto hers, he pulls her on her feet. "Let me walk you to a cab," he nods his head signalling her to follow him. She holds him close, walking side by side and he's the perfect gentleman. Holding her flowers, her hand and constantly smiling at her.

They cross a little bridge and suddenly find themselves in the midst of a children's party. She can feel him increasing the pace, slightly pulling on her hand but she stops walking when she feels a small hand pulling on her dress. She turns around, a smile appearing on her face as she sees a little girl dressed as the little mermaid staring up at them. "Hello," Donna smiles kneeling down in front of the little girl, who looks away nervously when Mitchell coughs to get her attention back.

"Are you Ariel and Eric?" the girl whispers, her hands on her back she twists and turns on her spot. Donna lets out a laugh, looking over her shoulder to Mitchell. "No," he answers firmly, his hand on Donna's shoulder. "Donna, shall we –"

Donna swallows, facing the girl again. "I think you are," she whispers pointing at the girls costume before she gets back on her feet. Her hand holding onto his arm again she doesn't comment on what just happened. She can't really place what it is, but something inside her aches.

He opens the door of a cab for her. Kissing her goodbye he hands her the flowers back. "Have a good day, Mitchell," she smiles and he nods as he tells her the same. His hand lingers on the door, stalling her as he frowns a little. "What's wrong?" she asks. "Nothing," he shakes his head, "I was just wondering why you didn't call me last night? To ask why I was taking so long."

He lets out a small laugh before she can even answer, "shit and now I'm blaming you for my mistake," he places his hands on her shoulders. "I'm sorry, again," he smiles, "I'm glad we had this lunch though."

"Me too," she whispers sitting down, waving at him as the cab drives off.

.

" _I was just wondering why you didn't call me last night?"_

She swallows, her hand reaching for the phone in her purse. She unlocks the screen and goes straight to calls. Her eyes fixing on the screen when it reads 'outgoing call Harvey Specter' three times. His words are still on repeat in her mind as she lets herself sink farther in the back seat of the cab and for the first time she wonders if she's using him. Using Mitchell, while she's waiting for Harvey. She wonders if she even is. Waiting.

Using Mitchell has never been her intention and that's not how it started. Because when after a month of Harvey telling her he loved her he still couldn't tell her how, she realised he might never be ready. When she learned that on top of that he broke his promise to Louis and slept with the lawyer's sister, she knew that she'd made the right decision. That she was right to move on, because he wouldn't change and he would never be ready.

Not soon after that is when it started, it weren't large signs, but it were small things he said and did that made her believe there might be hope after all. The way he told her he wanted to be friends again, how comfortable and enjoyable that dinner with him actually was. When she found out about his panic attacks, that he's going to therapy and is working on his issues she knew he had all along.

When she learned he took one for the team by resigning, she felt proud and at the same time guilty she hadn't been there for him when he was making that decision. For the first time she had felt out of the loop. When he helped her father get out of the charges she felt grateful, and when he told her he would understand if she wanted to go back to Louis, for a few seconds she wondered who the man in front of her was, but deep down she knew he always cared.

When he showed up at her place late at night and acknowledge that he couldn't do that anymore, it told her he knows things aren't the way they once were. His words and the look on his face pulling on her heartstrings, the way he asked her for her opinion and then she asked him to not turn himself in.

" _Because I think you're worthy and I don't want to lose you."_

She didn't, she doesn't want to lose him, because even though she said she came back because of Mike's arrest, she missed him too. She missed the way they worked, how sometimes words aren't necessary to communicate and she missed the way he always made her feel secure.

As much as she wants to say no to that thought. Whether or not she's using Mitchell, if she's still waiting for Harvey? She can't convincingly tell herself no to either one of those, but she can't convincingly tell herself she's one hundred percent in this relationship either.


	4. Chapter 4 - Everything

**Harvspecter, DarveyUK, Chrissi, Carebearmaxi, Cadalways, Suitor16, Acuriousbeastie, Cez, EmMNarang2513, Sarah. , DonnaSpecter, Meeshmo, TVSerieslife and guests.. THANK YOU for your reviews. REALLY, WOW. In this chapter we'll see Agard again and just like last chapter i kinda tried to use her parts like it's done on the show, to point things out. Anyway, here's the 4th chapter. I hope you'll like it and as always, love to hear what you think. xx**

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 **Chapter 4 – Everything**

She's been thinking about it a lot these past days. Her life and what she wants from it. How she sees her future, what does she need? She never really thought about becoming a mother, but it wasn't an absolute no. She remembers that the thought of kids crossed her mind about a decade ago and was put on the back burner since then.

She also knows that that was because of him, because he wasn't ready and they weren't together. That thought came back the other day in the park, this time not directly related to a man but more to her and this gut feeling she's been having. How Mitchell's reaction to the little girl bothered her in ways she couldn't fully place and that makes her wonder even more.

Has she really moved on? As much as she'd like to say yes she knows it's not true. She hasn't moved on yet, not completely. She wonders now if she's even ready to move on, if you'd asked her that a few weeks ago she'd said yes. Today she isn't so sure anymore.

She knows she likes Mitchell, but she used to love Harvey. Even if she pushed those feelings away for a very long time, they had been there. She wonders if it's possible to love someone the way she loved him and does she even want that?

Does this mean she still loves Harvey? Deep down a part of her knows she will always love him in some way, but it that enough to put everything at risk once more? Is that part enough to end things with Mitchell for? Or is that part too big to even try to fully commit to someone else?

On paper he's the perfect guy. Mitchell. He's funny, he's thoughtful, handsome and maybe most importantly on the same emotional level as she is. He knows how to talk, how to surprise her, how to make her smile. Besides that one little thing, something they never talked about and aren't even close to discussing, she knows he's the perfect guy , yet she can't commit. Not entirely and each and every time it comes down to this one but.

He isn't Harvey.

A few weeks ago that fact would have been something she tried to ignore, because a few weeks ago she could tell herself that he wasn't changing. That he was never going to man up and answer that one word question she never got an response to, but she still sensed that even if she came back to work for him. Things were different now. He was more patient, he thanked her for stuff he normally wouldn't have looked up.

A few weeks ago 'he isn't Harvey' was just a thought somewhere in the back of her head, today it's her comparing Mitchell's touch to a distant memory of Harvey, the latter making her feel things she never experienced with the man she was with now.

She closes her eyes, mindlessly continuing to grab boxes that might help them find a way to get Mike out of prison. Placing the brown card board box in the card next to her she tiptoes over the carpet with her bare feet to the shelving on the opposite side of the path.

He lets out a sigh, his shoulder leaning against the door frame. His hands buried in the pockets of his suit pants he studies her for a second. A smile creeping up his lips, he shakes his head as he sees her lean on her toes, her arms somewhere in the middle of the air. "You know it's usually easier if you stretch your arms to get something from the top shelf."

Her eyes pop open, her arms falling down and her feet land on the carpet again. "Harvey," she whispers looking in his direction, her eyebrows raised she looks at him. Wondering why he's even standing there and how long he's even been standing there.

"Donna," he counters in the same tone, a small smile on his lips he walks towards her. Slowly lifting his hands from his pockets he stops just next to her, grabbing the box she tried to reach earlier he hands it to her. "You're short without your shoes on."

She bites her tongue, looking away. He never made a comment like that before and she's not sure how to respond. Her hands fall on the other side of the box. A smile on her lips she looks up to him, pulling it from his grip she places it on the cart. "Why are you here?" she crooks her head looking away again.

"I was wondering if you needed help," he answers in a soft tone, his shoulder leaning against the metal shelving. "Me? Help?" she faces him again, "Harvey, I'm the one that's supposed to help you." He shakes his head, trying not to laugh because he knew she'd say that. "And you always say we're a team, so –"

"Okay, what's going on?"

A soft laugh escapes his lips, because she saw right through him. "Louis is looking for me," he sighs, "and I'd much rather be here helping you than help him," he offers her his signature smirk. She shakes her head, rolling her eyes at him. "So we're hiding from Louis now, are we?"

"Yes," he nods and she lets out a small laugh walking over to the cart. "Okay in that case," she pushes the cart in his direction to make him walk, "these need to be copied," she signals the boxes in between them. "Alright," he mumbles grabbing a stack from the top as he walks over to the copy machine, studying it for a second.

She's the one to linger around now, just looking at him and she can't help but think about how different this is. How for the first time since a very long time they're actually having fun. Even in the midst of this mess. "You don't know how this thing works, do you?" she teases him, because she's never seen such a clueless look on his face. He keeps his head held high as he speaks. "I do.." he mumbles, "It's this uhm.. "

"You never made a copy in your life," she walks over to help him, her hand pressing some buttons and he sighs looking at her hands. "I've got absolutely no clue," he whispers and it isn't just about making copies anymore. She slowly looks up to him again, only this time he's much closer than before. Or she moved closer to him, but his face is only inches away from hers.

Her eyes lock with his, both of them remain silent as all they do is look at the other. She can feel her breath falter when she notices his gaze dropping to her lips and back up. His eyes look darker this time they lock and she feels that that spark she felt twelve years ago, five months ago, was still there.

"Donna," he whispers, his breath warm on her skin she feels her heart starting to beat faster, the voice of Louis echoing through the room making Harvey step back. He lets out a sigh and walks away before the other lawyer can walk up to them.

Her lips still parted, her eyes close slowly and her head drops. She turns around the copier, finishing her task, her hands still shaking, she feels tears welling up. Trying to regulate her breathing, her fingers rest on the edge of the machine in front of her.

What just happened another trigger to question what's going on. What is she really feeling, what does she really want and what should she do. Deep down she knows what's coming now. What's next. The right thing to do, but are these few signs enough to put her life on hold again. To change everything she did to move on, but once again did she really move on?

Her shoulders tense when she hears the sound of heels entering the room behind her and she tries to push back the tears. Her right hand moving over her cheeks she tries to act as if everything was fine, but it wasn't and the managing partner knew. She might not speak with the legal secretary often, but that doesn't mean she doesn't know what's going on under her roof.

"Donna are you alright?" Jessica asks seeing the redhead slightly shake her head but hearing her whisper an "everything is fine." She lets out a sigh, walking over to Donna and she lets her hand rest on the secretary's for a few seconds. "I'm sorry," Jessica speaks.

The redhead swallows, looking up to the other woman, but she doesn't get a chance to ask why. "With everything that's gone on these past months and especially now," she pauses for a second, "I never really got to thank you for all you've done."

The redhead nods slowly. "You kept us all together when we were falling apart," she whispers, "you kept him sane and I know you talked him out of turning himself in," she continues talking about her protégé, the closest thing she got to a child of her own. Her family. "And I've been so busy with trying to save what's left, making sure Louis and whoever stayed was kept happy, I never got around to asking if you are."

Donna swallows, her lips twitching a little, but she can't answer the question with words and Jessica slowly nods her head. "I hope you know all he wants is for you to be truly happy," the managing partner leaves out the name, but they both know who she means with that and the redhead swallows once more.

"He won't tell you this," Jessica shakes her head briefly, "because as long as he thinks you are, he won't try to get in the way of that." The managing partners words making Donna bite her lip, looking down. "You and I both know he loves you too much to do so."

.

She studies the man opposite of her, the way his fingers are tapping on the arm rest. The way he stares in the distance and mostly the pained look on his face. "Harvey," she speaks trying to get his attention, "what's on your mind?"

He doesn't look at the blonde, instead he sighs and looks down. "I almost kissed her," he confesses then and dr. Agard looks surprised for a second. Asking him to tell her what happened, he elaborates on how they were working together. How all of a sudden they were only inches apart and how Louis's voice stopped them from what was about to happen.

"Would you?" Paula asks then and he frowns a little. "What?" he mumbles, "are you asking if I would have kissed her if Louis didn't show up?" he crooks his head, looking at the therapist. "Yes, I am," she counters in a serious tone. "Would you?"

"I don't know," he sighs and Paula frowns. "Would you have wanted to do so?" she asks then, trying to get him to talk about this. He stares at his hand, pretending to be deep in thought. "Harvey?" she tries again.

"Yes," he answers then, "but.. but I can't be the one to make her do what my mother did," he shakes his head finally looking up. "I can't be the one to ruin her happiness."

Paula nods leaning forward in her chair. "Okay, Harvey," she starts, "we talked about why you came here, about her being in a relationship with someone else. We talked about the fact you told her you love her and we talked about how you want her to be happy, but what do you want?"

"For her to be happy," he answers again, his hands briefly lifted wondering why he needs to keep saying this. His words make her sigh a little. "Harvey when you were younger, just a kid. Did you ever think about the future?" she asks trying a different approach.

"Of course," he frowns, wondering why someone wouldn't do that. "Could you describe what that future you dreamed about back then would look like?" she suggest as he remains silent. Harvey nods thinking for a few seconds before he speaks again. "I'd have this awesome car. Not just one," he smiles, "I'd be awesome at my job. The best in the field and.." he pauses for a second. "And I'd have a family of my own, a wife. Kids maybe."

"A family of your own?" Paula repeats, thinking back to the one time they discussed about how he sees that as a very sacred thing. "Yes," he nods, licking his dry lips. "A family that sticks together, loves and supports each other," he fidgets with the edge of his suit jacket. "A real family, unlike the one I grew up in."

"Would you say that's everything you would want from life?" dr. Agard asks remembering him telling about the fight he had with Donna the day after he told her he loved her. "Yes," he nods slowly. "Let's take a look at your life now, shall we," she speaks as she flips through the notebook on her lap.

"I heard you talk about your Mustang once and your membership to Gotham Car Club. You're Harvey Specter of Pearson Specter Litt. You have your name on the wall. People call you the best closer in the city. You've reached the top in your profession."

He looks away, already knowing what comes next. "And then there's Donna," Paula continues, "a woman who has been by your side for over a decade. A woman who supports you, maybe even loves you," she adds. "Do you have everything?"

Swallowing once, his eyes close. "No," his head slowly moving from left to right, "No, I don't."

.

Her eyes are directed on his hands, she's afraid to look at him. Afraid to find out what else she may feel if she does, because neither of them acknowledged what happened the other day in the file room. All she knows is something happened, could have happened. Maybe even should have happened? She shakes her head, pushing away the thought as she notices his hands closing the folder.

Her gaze still low she hears him getting out of his chair. She can see how he's cleaning his side of the desk, not reaching for a new file. And when she finally looks up at him, he gives her a small smile that makes her stomach twist. "It's late," he speaks before she gets a chance to do so, "you should go home."

Her mouth drops a little, she didn't expect him to say this. "Harvey," she frowns, "it's okay. I told you we're in this together and I'm not leaving –"

"Donna," he interrupts her speech about how this was them now. Working together day in day out, finding a way to get Mike out and she stares at him, not sure what's going on. "I'm going to see Marcus and the rest," he tells her, "meeting them in an hour."

"Ooh," she whispers looking down, but a smile appears on her lips as she thinks about the younger Specter man and his family. "You haven't seen in a long time," she comments then and he nods. "I haven't."

"Why.. " she mumbles pausing for a second. "Why are you going to see him now?" she asks, sincerely wondering, because normally in the midst of a crisis everything was put aside and all he'd do was focus on that one single task. It's what kept him going, it's how he worked. It's who he was.

 _Was,_ she realizes as he looks at her. "Because all this," he signals the room around them. The boxes of files are scattered through his office, "with everything that happened. It just made me realise that some things are more important than work."

.

Paula crosses her legs, letting her elbow lean on her knee. "Harvey if everything were possible," she counters waiting for him to look at her again, "would Donna be part of that ideal future you sketched?"

"Not everything is possible," he counters, leaning back on the couch, pulling his right leg up his left hand holding it in place on his knee. "It could," dr. Agard fires back, "but you're not willing to take a risk on the change that it might not turn out the way you hope," she points at him.

"She's in a relationship," he sighs again. "And why would she even consider breaking that off if you are not willing to take the risk to show her what she really means to you?"

.

Trying to clear her mind before she would find herself in the midst of chaos again, she gets up early that Friday morning. Ignoring the fact she barely slept the past few days, her mind on overdrive on everything that happened. Not just these past few weeks, but months ago and moments long before that.

She knows she has to do something, but she hasn't made up her mind just yet. Or maybe she has and is she just waiting for that final thing to push her over the edge. That final thing that will tell her once and for all what to do, has she moved on or not?

Two cups of coffee in her hand she makes her way through the empty hallway of the fiftieth floor. The sound her own heels are making the only thing she hears as she turns the corner. She spots it in an instant and her pace slows down, almost making her stop in her tracks but seeing him already in his office from the corner of his eye is what keeps her going.

She stops in front of her own cubicle, the two cups of coffee landing on the edge her eyes directed on the coral pink peonies. Her favourite flowers, her eyes drifting off to the right for a second, but he doesn't look in her direction. Her hands slowly move over the edge, reaching for the envelope that's placed in between them.

She recognizes his hand writing and she swallows, any doubt about who they were from gone in an instant. Her fingertips trail along the edge until she flips the object around in her hand. Opening the envelope she finds two tickets to Hamilton inside. The content both making her mouth drop as making her sigh, because she somehow expected a card. An explanation for all this. A why?

She lets out a big breath, the envelope between her fingers she lifts his cup up again. She knows he knows she's there. She knows he knows she's seen it, and she knows there's no way back, not if she wants to know. "Harvey," she calls for him, placing the cup on his desk she waits for him to look at her.

"Donna," he swallows when he notices the envelope in her hand, his gaze slowly lifting until he meets her eye. He can't help but smile a little, because she might have marched into his office and her tone might be all business, it's the way the skin around her eyes wrinkle just a little that gives away how much she likes the gift he got her.

"What's this?" she speaks, holding the envelope in between them. "Two tickets to Hamilton next week," he answers leaning back in his chair, biting his tongue as he sees her shoulders drop a tad. "I know," she rolls her eyes, trying to hide her excitement, "but why?"

"A thank you," he gives her a s small smile. "For everything. For coming back. For being my voice of reason once again, talking me out of turning myself in. For having faith in me," he recalls her words.

When he sees her swallow he continues. "For staying around even now and for helping me with this mess," he answers signalling the files again. "I just wanted to thank you, Donna and I .. I should have told you that sooner."

.

The door closes behind her, her head landing against the wooden object. The peonies pressed against her body by her left hand, her right hand with her phone drops slowly. She lets out a sigh, hating herself for calling him. For letting him come over.

Especially because she knows what's going to happen now, but inviting herself over to his place for this purpose would be just as uncomfortable and over the phone is out of the question. A tear runs down her face as she recalls hearing the enthusiasm in his voice when he answered, the way that disappeared when she told him they needed to talk.

She hopes he knows what's going to happen. It's never easy, but this time it feels the worst. Even when she knows it's the right thing to do. To not string him along even further and it's not because she's ready to move on with the man that still holds her heart, because she isn't.

She's doing this for herself.

Because she might have thought she was able to move on, but she now knows she can't. Not unless she gets answers and figures out where they stood or stand. To find out if the feelings she buried for so many years, the feelings she knows are still present, what they really mean. If it's really the kind of love she dreamed about all her life.

She knows she needs to figure this out on her own, without him. Or at least with the other man in her life. The man that's always been a part of her life and maybe even became a part of her.

When she opens the door half an hour later again, she doesn't kiss him. Her arms briefly falling around his neck as a greeting. One last time of holding him close, but it only confirms what she realised earlier this week. That touching him, being with him doesn't even come close to the way she feels by just being near Harvey.

Both remaining fairly silent she guides him towards her dining room table, sitting herself down on one side she waits for him to do the same. He follows her lead, his gaze landing on the flowers on her coffee table in the process. "These are beautiful," he comments and she notices the way he tries to lift the mood, a tear running down her face she wonders if he really has no clue or if he's pretending, but the only one pretending in the room is her.

He notices her reaction. "Are you okay?" he frowns, and she nods trying to keep it together. Because she can't have him care for her, not if she's going to break their bubble. "Yes," she whispers, "I'm okay," her gaze drifts off to the flowers for a second.

"They're his," he comments taking in her movement and she's taken by surprise for a second. "What?" she swallows, pulling her leg up on the chair. "Harvey," he nods his head in the direction of the peonies again, "he's in love with you," he states not even looking at her.

Her gaze lowers to the ground and her hand runs over her leg. "I know, but he isn't re-"

"Ready?" Mitchell cuts her off, her mouth dropping because it's the truth or was the truth. And she knows the conversation can only go in one, yet the same, direction, but this isn't how she pictured it happening. "Don't you mean but I'm not in love with him?"

She swallows, she wasn't even looking at him but she looks away non the less. The silence that followed too long. "Mitchell," she whispers, as she finally faces him again.

"Donna," he responds calmly, his head slowly shaking, "you're an amazing woman and I really like you. I know this, us," he pauses for a second, "started as something casual, but I.. I realised I need you to be in this just as much as I am," he signals between them, "because I .. I love you."

"I.. I really like you too," she answers instantly and that's when she realises that breaking up with him was the right thing to do. Those three little words not even coming to mind, let alone being able to pronounce them.

"But you don't love me," Mitchell whispers, looking down. "Not like you love him."

She swallows, slowly nodding. "I'm sorry," she mumbles, biting her lip to stop the tears again. "I'm sorry too," he answers getting out of his chair and walking over to her, extending his hand. She frowns a little looking up to him, but accepts his hand either way.

Wrapping his arms around her, he holds her close. His hand running through her hair he whispers how he hopes she finds what's she's looking for. How he hopes she'll be happy. It might be a weird way of breaking up, because it isn't exactly him pushing her away or the other way around. It's both of them understanding that this, whatever it was they had, isn't it. It's not everything.

She holds the door open for him and he turns around one last time. "I wish you well, Donna," he nods walking away at last. It's her being set free and it's him giving the woman he loves the chance at happiness he wished he could have given her himself.


	5. Chapter 5 - Family

**Hi everyone and thanks again for all the reviews. WOW! So Happy Darveyweek, writing/ finishing one shots these past days has been keeping me from this fic.. but I finally found the inspiration to write this again. So I've finished the story and I know I said it would get 5 chapters, but this one would be a little long... so I decided to split it. But don't worry, I'll be updating with the final chapter soon! I hope you'll enjoy this chapter and would love to know what you think. xx**

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 **Chapter 5 - Family**

" _So you're saying you want everything?"_

It was the question he asked her months ago and when she answered with an "I don't know" he felt a little betrayed. She is Donna after all, she is supposed to know. He knows now that he didn't even fully realised what he was asking her. That his perception of everything was different from hers and that her answer was based on her knowing that.

He now knows what everything is. Or is supposed to be and he now also realises that they, no he doesn't have it. He has the cars, he has the job. He has the house, but he does not have everything.

He admitted that to himself a couple of days ago. Sitting on that couch in front of dr. Agard was the first time he said it out loud, but it wasn't the first time that thought had crossed his mind. It wasn't necessarily therapy that made him come to that conclusion, but consecutive events over the past months.

It started with his panic attacks, even though he couldn't fully understand what they meant he knew they happened because she left. How big a part she's become of his life, of him. How he literally couldn't breathe without her and how he had never felt so vulnerable and exposed before.

It was that one meaningless night with Louis' sister of all people. A night he pretended to not be affected by everything that was going on, but it only gave him one conclusion. That the life he had been living wasn't fulfilling anymore. That once sex was the only thing he looked for and now it seemed so unimportant. How that one night made him feel empty inside and if he had to be completely honest every time he closed his eyes he saw a flash of red hair.

It were the dreams that followed, as if his six weeks of sleepless nights weren't enough. His nights now being tormented by her auburn manes cascading his bedsheets. It was the repeated feeling of loss and emptiness every morning that made him realise he felt truly happy in those dreams. A sense of warmth, of love.

It was that one evening in Del Posto where just her presence made him forget about Jack Soloff and his rise to power. It was that night two months ago, when she was right here in his apartment. Sitting on his couch, drinking his favourite scotch. The first moment that truly made him smile after everything that had happened. It was her staying with him even after Mike went to jail, it was her talking sense in to him over and over again. Her telling him they are a team, that she would support him along the way.

It was seeing her with another man that triggered another panic attack. Seeing her move on with another man than himself. Seeing that not even making him jealous like normally, at least not as much as he used to. Now it just made him feel stupid, seeing another man on the spot he could have been.

It was seeing his brother, his sister in law and the rest of the family the other day that made him realise he had a lot, but he did not have that. As much as his firm, the people he worked with were family to him. He did not have a family of his own. He does not have someone to come too.

Harvey Specter does not have everything.

.

Mentally crossing of the list of ingredients she needs, she strolls over the market. Deep in thought, not necessarily about the products she's looking for but her life, she stretches her arm trying to reach for a grapefruit from the basket on her right.

Her hand bumping into another one, she quickly pulls back. Mumbling a sorry without even looking up, she grabs a mango instead. "Donna?" she hears her name being called in hesitation, it's a familiar voice but she can't determine to whom it belongs.

"Donna?" she hears again, before she turns around shaking her head. Her eyes widening a bit as she sees the blonde she's only met once standing next to her. "Hi," she mumbles trying to sound enthusiastic, but she really just wanted some time for herself.

The two women chat a little. About the frim and Mike's arrest, how things turned out and it isn't much but it's the tone the blonde uses that makes her wonder. She questioned it before, when he couldn't tell her about the meeting he had, but she decided not to push the subject. Knowing that wouldn't help him in any way.

"Did he go back?" she whispers then looking down a bit. "I never asked him, if after everything that went down if he went back," she explains in a half apology. The blonde presses her lips together. "I can't tell you that," Paula answers truthfully and Donna looks up. Her eyes meeting that of the therapist and her words make her smile just a little, she knows what that means.

"Thank you," Donna mumbles with a faint smile, her hand pointing over her shoulder signalling she should go. "Donna," Paula calls for the redhead again, making her stop. The therapist hands her the grapefruit, "He does know what he's missing."

.

She doesn't tell him she's broken things off with Mitchell three days ago. That was one of the rules she made for herself. She needed time for herself and part of that was telling no one her current relationship status. She needs to figure out what she wants and what she feels, and that's easiest to do without comments from her mother or Rachel.

Another reason for not telling him is because she's been guiding him for twelve years and for once, for once she needs him to take this step on his own. She knows him well enough to know he would never do anything to ruin her happiness, but she can't deny she hoped he'd still fight for her regardless.

She wonders if those few comments every now and then, the flowers and tickets. The dinners they shared, if that was him showing he's changing and deep down she knows that's exactly what it was, but she doesn't want to make things easy for him.

She wants this time for herself, to see if he keeps opening up, maybe even scared that if she tells him he shuts down again. That he will back out once again.

.

He notices the slightest change in her outfit. The past two days her dresses had been figure hugging. Even more than usual, both with a deeper V-line than she usually sported in the office. A couple of years ago those dresses would have told him she'd just gotten out of a relationship. It was her way of showing the world that she, Donna Paulsen, was still amazing as ever.

But the dresses were usually combined with wittier and flirtatious comments to whoever crossed her desk. Including himself. This time her behaviour hasn't changed, she still brought him coffee. She still helped him and there wasn't any flirting.

The closest he got to asking what happened was last night. Him telling her it would be okay if she went home. _"Isn't Mitchell waiting for you?"_ A question she had answered with one word. "No." Her tone firm and he frowned a little, the answer wasn't uncommon these past weeks, but he also didn't have the guts to ask further.

He does notice how she never mentions Mitchell , not that she did that before, but once or twice he had heard the man's name come by. He just doesn't know if he blocked out the rest or if she just never talked about him in general.

He also notices she's staying longer each day, just working by his side. How she's getting more comfortable, pulling her legs up on his couch or just simply putting on one of his records. Often his dad's.

He notices she smiles more, that she smirks when she catches him staring at her. How she laughs at his awful jokes whenever they hit a bump and he tries to lighten up the mood and for the first time the thought that he could be the one to make her happy crosses his mind.

But she's still with Mitchell.

.

Clients come and go from time to time, but the firm is still quiet. Too quiet, the business they managed to keep is good, but it's not the way it used to be. No more associates running around, the always running gossip mill between the legal support staff coming to a halt and the usual drama of partners trying to outsmart the other stopped. The once booming hallways of Pearson Specter Litt now quiet enough to hear Louis or Jessica enter their offices on the other side of the firm.

Quiet enough to hear a soft laugh coming from down the hall. Her head lifts up instantly, a smile on her lips as she turns to face the persons she knows are walking there right now. "Marcus," she greets him when he turns the corner. The younger Specter man wraps his arms around the redhead greeting her with a hug, before she smiles at both kids.

"Is Harvey there?" he asks and she swallows shaking her head, "he's at court. Should be back in an hour," she informs him. "Ooh," Marcus mumbles looking down, both his hands behind his children's heads he holds them close. "Marcus is everything okay?"

"Yes of course," Marcus answers as he notices the worried tone in her voice, "it's just that their uncle promised to look after them for the rest of the day," he answers, slowly shaking his head. "He did?" Donna mumbles, cause this must have been a first. At least to her knowing. "Yeah, Katie has this last minute work related event I need to go to and well.. "

"I'll look after them till he gets back," she offers before he can finish his sentence. Her words making him smile. "Thank you," he lets his hand slip through his son's hair, kneeling down to give his little girl a kiss he tells his kids to listen to Donna.

She guides the kids into their uncles office, her jaw clenching in terror as she sees the eight year old Matt sprint of towards Harvey's basketball collection. His hands already in the air, she wants to stop him, but the boy seems to realize what he's about to do on his own. Pulling his hands back he just looks at them, enthusiastically trying to read the signatures out loud.

Donna tells the four year old Emily to wait as she runs back to her own cubicle. Collecting her phone, a stack of paper and some pencils she makes her way back to the kids. She smiles as she settles herself down next to the little girl on the ground. Handing her something to draw with, she tells Matt how his uncle managed to get every single one of those basketballs. She smiles as the boy finishes her sentence for her, telling her how Harvey told him that and maybe he spend more time with his family than she thought he did.

.

He walks back to his office, crooking his head as he notices how the red head isn't sitting at her cubicle. He looks to his right then her name already on his lips, but all he can do is smile as he takes in the view in front of him. The way she's sitting on the ground in between the kids, helping his niece draw something. "Look at that. My favourite people," he smiles widely and his eyes lock briefly with hers when she looks up to him.

Hearing her uncle's voice, the little girl jumps up and runs over to him. A small laugh escaping Donna's lips as the girls arms fall around the lawyers legs, making him stumble on his place. "Hey princess," he smiles letting his hand run over Emily's head.

Donna pushes herself back on her feet as Harvey walks over to his nephew. "Hey buddy," he high fives the kid before he turns around to his desk. Stopping himself from sitting down when he finds the redhead next to him. "You forgot," she whispers, giving him a warning look. "I didn't," he takes a look at his watch, "Marcus was supposed to bring them over in half an hour, that's why I cut my meeting with Judge Atkins short."

She looks at the clock on the wall now, noticing how he's indeed back earlier than she expected him. "Ooh," she whispers, "why didn't you tell me?" She looks down, fidgeting with the phone in her hand. "I didn't get the chance to do so. Marcus called just before my meeting. Thank you for looking after them," he answers giving her a small smile when she looks up at him again.

"No problem," she smiles giving him a wink. Quickly walking back to her desk when she realizes what she just did. He swallows, slowly shaking his head as he sits down in his desk chair. Firing up his laptop he looks at her cubicle one more time before his gaze drifts off to the kids quietly playing around. A smile appearing on his lips he continues with his work.

.

He hears his niece giggle, making him look up he closes the manila folder in front of him. He sees the little girl smile at him and he leans forward, signalling her to come closer with his hand. When the girl stops next to his chair and he whispers something in her ear, smiling brightly as she nods and skips off to the redhead's desk.

Donna feels a little hand poke her arm and she looks to her side. Stopping with her work she smiles at the girl, asking what she came to do. "Uncle Harvey would like a cup of coffee," Emily smiles looking at her uncle through the glass panels. "Does he now," Donna laughs, looking at Harvey too and she shakes her head as he gives her his signature smirk.

He watches the redhead walk off to the partner's kitchen, holding Emily's hand in hers. Closing his eyes for a second as the images of his ideal life in five years that dr. Agard asked him to picture flash by, and he can't help but wonder if he'll ever that.

.

"You'll have to show me that," Donna answers as Emily tells her about the doll her uncle bought her, letting the girl enter the office first she continues her path to his desk. Demonstratively placing the 'you just got Litt up' – mug on his desk she sits down in front of him. Keeping the plain mug to herself, she turns to face him. "Your niece isn't an intercom," she shakes her head taking a sip from her coffee.

He lets out a laugh. "It was her idea," he counters, turning his chair a bit to face her. Pulling the mug towards him he can already smell the vanilla. "No it wasn't," Donna counters putting her mug down as Emily is standing next to her again.

Donna lifts the girl up, placing both her and the bag she's holding in her hands on her lap. She watches Emily open the pink back pack, her little arm reaching for something on the bottom. Harvey frowns at the scene in front of him. "Her doll," Donna whispers, making him swallow as he sees his niece pull out the Anna doll.

"Marcus said she's really into Freeze, Frozen or something?" he mumbles, but his words losing all their meaning as Emily enthusiastically says, "just like you, aunt Donna." Her mouth drops a little and she can practically hear him swallow, but she's not sure if that's just the girls observation or if he really bought her the doll because of the red hair.

"It's beautiful," she answers smiling at the girl who jumps off her lap again. The doll landing on the table in between them. Both of them swallowing as they look away, the topic remaining untouched for the rest of the day.

.

She watches him putting the files aside, pushing his chair back and clearing his office. "What are you doing?" she whispers looking up from her watch, it's only five o'clock. "Going home," he answers scooping the little girl up from the ground he holds her in his arms. "To make dinner for these two monsters," he smiles his index finger tapping the girls nose.

Donna shifts a little on her chair, her eyes still directed on her boss and the little girl in his arms and she feels her stomach twist again. It's that same feeling she had the other day in the park only stronger this time and it tells her once more that she made the right decision to break things off with Mitchell. Something she still hasn't told him. The pure sight in front of her makes her want to blurt that out, but she doesn't. It neither being the right place, time or company to do so.

He calls for Matt, waiting for him to join him and his gaze drifts off to her for a second when she didn't comment on his reasoning, but she's looking at her hands. She's avoiding his gaze and he wonders why. If seeing him like this with his family is so foreign for her she just doesn't know where to look? He also knows it can't be that, she saw Marcus' kids almost just as much as he saw them himself.

"Will aunt Donna join us for dinner?"

He frowns, his mouth dropping a little he looks at the girl in his arms. "Em," he whispers, his head turning towards Donna and their eyes lock for a second. "Please," the girl chirps and his lips twitch in a little smile, his eyes still locked with hers.

She gives him a small smile, breaking his gaze she looks at Emily. "Sure, Emily," she whispers lifting herself from her chair and she can't help but look at him again. He smiles, nodding at her, his other hand falling on Matt's back, he guides the boy out of his office.

.

Matt helps his uncle prepare dinner in the kitchen, Donna spending some time with the four year old girl in his living room. It does not go unnoticed to her how easy this all is. How even with a dinner and two kids to look after, they are the perfect team. Working in sync and helping the other.

How he's managing to hand her the plates before she can ask for them. The only words they often need being the other's name. They sit across the table from each other, creating a men's and women's side. They're mostly quiet, letting the young children do the talking, but for every word they leave unspoken a thought crosses their minds.

He notices how close her hand is to his. Both resting on the table, but he doesn't act. He doesn't let his fingers slide over hers. As much as he wants to he can't, but it isn't his place to do so anyway. She isn't his and once again he realizes how he let everything slip away, how she could have been his. If only he could have told her then what he knows now.

The thought of telling her crosses his mind, it's not the first time today or this week. But it's the first time he actually has to stop himself from doing so. The words, his feelings on the tip of his tongue, but it isn't the right time, place or company to do just that. He sighs instead and when her hand moves a little, because she turns to listen to the little girl, his own hand painstakingly reaching for his glass again.

.

She shouldn't be staying, she shouldn't be here, not anymore. It's a family moment and she isn't part of that. But mostly it's because she has no clue when Marcus will return to pick up the kids and she isn't sure how the younger Specter man is going to respond to her being there.

She doesn't mean her being around his children, but the comments he, just like their father, could throw in their direction. Like almost every other time she met either of them. _Has he manned up yet? Are you two together already? When will I get to meet my redheaded grandkids?_

Normally she'd be able to laugh the comments away, but not this time. This time she doesn't want to hear them, she doesn't want him to hear them. Because as much as she knows how a little push would help him, she wants him to make that move on his own, only then she will really know it's what he wants.

She wants him to fight for her.

She looks to her right, seeing the eyes of the four year old fall shut every once in a while. "I should go," she whispers, her eyes briefly locking with his, before she looks to the girl next to her again. "And this one should get some sleep."

He pushes his chair back, walking over to the other side of the table he lifts his little niece in his arms. He notices the way she moves on her chair, most likely preparing herself to leave. "Donna," her name leaving his lips in a whisper, "could you wait a minute. I .. uhm.." the rest of his words left unspoken as she nods.

She's only able to let out a breathe when he steps aside and her stomach aches a little. The way he looked at her, his tone, she's seen this side of him before. And as much as she was waiting to see that side again, seeing it now scares her, because for once she's got no clue. No clue as to what will happen and where it will lead them.

For years they've moved around in circles and everything that's happening now is unknown territory. If she would have been able to move, she would have found herself pacing through his living room. Her breath faltering once more as he appears right beside her, closer than he's been all day.

"Donna," he mumbles and she slowly lifts her face to look at him. "Yeah," she whispers softly and she swallows as he smiles at her. "Emily," he looks away from her, "she uhm.. she asked for you." A small gasp escapes her lips before her shoulders drop a little, her lips pressed together, she merely nods at him before she walks over to his bedroom.

She's never set a foot in this room. Not once in the twelve years she's worked for him and she's not going to lie. This isn't how she imagined being there. Her left arm falls around her own stomach as she walks closer to his bed.

His shoulder leaning against the wall, his eyes are directed on her back. He sees her sitting down then, on the right side of the bed. Just like in his dreams, the dreams that once started with her and another man in his bed, but lately being just about her.

Her lips curl up as the four year old is playing hide and seek under the blanket, her hands falling on the edge she pulls it back just a little. "Hey," she whispers and the little girl smiles back at her. "Aunt Donna," Emily mumbles and the redhead smiles, "Matt makes fun of me for calling you aunt."

Donna gives the girl a smile, "boys," she rolls her eyes, "just let them talk. You can call me whatever you want," Donna lets her index finger tap against the girls nose who giggles in return. "You know," Emily smiles, "I know what would make him stop making fun of me."

"And what's that then," Donna counters crooking her head. "If you'd marry uncle Harvey you'd really be my auntie," she gives the redhead a bright smile. Clearly pleased with herself that she came up with that idea.

His mouth drops when he hears the words. He can't say the thought hasn't crossed his mind lately. Not with the therapy sessions and him having to talk about the future. The faceless woman from the future he picture as a kid, now being her.

He can't speak, but maybe that's for the best. Because this way he can focus on her reaction, her words. Would she laugh, answer with a 'who knows'. Years ago she would have, he knows that. Even if it was just a joke or to redirect the attention.

This time there are no words. All he sees is the way her lips part a little. The way she swallows and the way she tries to smile at the one that asked the question in the first place and suddenly the silence becomes too much.

His head drops and he pushes himself back on his feet. Making sure he doesn't make a sound he walks back to the living room. Pouring himself a drink, he takes a large gulp from the auburn liquid and he struts to the kitchen.

She sees him standing there, his head hanging low. Hands resting on either side of the breakfast bar, a glass of scotch between them. She notices how it's just one glass. One, where normally he would have poured two. One for him and one for her.

She had still been waiting or hoping that he would say something. _"Could you wait a minute.."_ She swallows realising now that he isn't. He isn't going to say something and that one glass can only mean he doesn't even want her to stay.

She walks past him without a word. Already reaching for her grey coat when he turns to face her. "Donna," her name leaving his lips once more, it's that same tone but she can't read it. Not anymore, not now. "She's asleep," she answers and he merely nods.

"I should go," she speaks then, wrapping her coat around her body with her own arms. She turns to face the door, opening it she looks in his direction one more time. "Goodbye, Matt," she speaks, leaving his name unspoken all she sees is how his mouth is left agape. Ready to say something, but he doesn't.

And neither does she. Her lips pressed into a thin line, it's the last look she gives him before she steps outside. Her hand immediately reaching for the elevator button across his door.

Harvey's head pops up and his heart skips a beat as the sound of the door falling shut echoes through his apartment. He realizes then that he's made a huge mistake. Or more precisely he keeps making the same mistake over and over again.

His feet carry him to his door in large steps. Opening it in one swift motion. The only thing he sees is the way she looks down, before the elevator doors close not even a second a later.


	6. Chapter 6 - Fight

**Thanks again everyone for all the reviews! LOVED them, it's what kept me going. I'm sorry for the ending of the last chapter, that wasn't planned at first.. but it happened and well.. I just went with it. So here's the next and last part. I hope you'll like it and would love to know what you thought. Enjoy! xx**

* * *

 **Chapter 6 - Fight**

 _Pulling the dark blue bathrobe a bit closer in his neck, the fabric removes some but not all of the droplets that are running from his hair down his neck. He looks in the mirror for a second, the look on his face can only be described as content_

 _He also knows why, it must have something to do with her. With Donna._

 _It has always been her._

 _He lets out a breath, reaching for a white towel. He dries his face, his hair and while turning around he spots some movement under his sheets in the reflection of his mirror. He dries the back of his head as his eyes linger on the two feet that belong to a women._

 _Not just any woman. They belong to her, the redhead._

 _Smiling he sees her move her feet up and down her long bare legs and he knows she's doing it on purpose. That she's doing it to torture him, but all he can do is smirk. Because truth is, it isn't half as much torture as not having her in his life._

 _He watches how she gets up, leaning on her left elbow. She looks likes she just woke up, as if she's looking around the room wondering where she is. But he knows she's just pretending, the big smile on her face giving her away when they make eye contact_.

 _She turns around further, pulling the crispy white sheets towards her and his eyes stay directed on her. The sheet now outlining her perfect baby bump and he can't help but smile. Smile at the beam that's plastered her face and the way her hands protectively wrap around her stomach._

 _He winks at her, his hands fumbling with the towel, he sees her blush in the mirror. Enjoying this moment his eyes close and the towel lands on the sink left to him. He turns around then, walking back to, but when he looks at her again he gets stopped in his tracks._

 _Her body being held by two arms, her head rest against a man's shoulder and his breath falters when the intruder looks up. "Hello Harvey," Mitchell smirks, letting his hand run over Donna's, he plays with the ring on her finger._

His eyes open in an instant, he's sitting straight up in his bed. His chest moving up and down he's trying to catch his breath. His hands on either side of his body, but besides himself his bed is empty. The place next to him cold.

Looking around the dark room he lets out a sigh once more. His eyes closing he lets his body drop back to the matrass, but he doesn't sleep for the rest of the night.

.

She's been avoiding him all morning, making copies. Running errands, not just for him but for the other name partners as well. Trying to order her thoughts, she goes over the events of the previous day again and again.

It all coming down to the same conclusion. She had hoped something would have happened, something more. That he said something, because yes, she knows now she had been waiting for him. She was and is waiting for him and deep down she knows why he didn't say anything, if he had wanted to do so. Because he would never ruin her happiness and he still believes she's with Mitchell.

She knows it's her fault just as much as his now, both not acting. Not taking that first step, but all she wanted was not needing to guide him for once. She steps into his office then, seeing him standing there. Just him in his dress shirt, no jacket, no armour. He's holding a glass of scotch in his hand and she swallows.

She sees the look on his face then, that distant stare and she knows he's deep in thought. That whatever is going on between them, or more the lack thereof is eating him up inside, just as much as it's affecting her. She knows she shouldn't, not if she wants him to make that first move, but she can't deal with that look on his face. "Are you okay?" she whispers.

"Yeah, I'm fine," he mumbles looking over his shoulder in her direction. His eyes a bit swollen and red and he bites his lip trying to smile at her. She swallows, she's only seen him like that once before, when she told him his father died. "Harvey," she murmurs.

He looks outside again, afraid to meet her eye. "I just.." he mumbles, "I was just thinking about something that happened yesterday."

"You heard her," she comments and he nods, his gaze still resting on the buildings outside. "It uhm," he lets out a breath, "I just realised that I'll never have that, not with you."

"Harvey," she whispers her voice breaking as she sees the man that has always been her rock, her saviour now so vulnerable. He turns around slowly then, "A month ago you told me to stay here, at the firm that night. That if I left that would have been my biggest mistake," he pauses shaking his head, "it wouldn't have been, Donna. I already made that mistake months ago."

"Harvey," she presses her lips together, her hands holding onto her own arms. She swallows feeling her eyes well up a little. "You said that underneath this expensive suit and that stupid perfect record is a coward and, " he shakes his head letting out a sigh, "and you're right."

"I am a coward, Donna," he nods before looking down. "And I know I should have told you this months ago. I know it's too late and it won't matter anymore, " he sighs. "Because you're with Mitchell now and you're happy, but I -"

"No," she interrupts him, biting her lip to stop herself from crying. She takes a step forward instead, suddenly channelling all the bottled up anger and frustration inside her. "You don't get to do this. Not after all this time, not now," she fires at him. "Not because you think it won't matter, because you think I'm with someone and you know .."

"Donna," he breathes shaking his head as tries to look her in the eye. His hand resting on his desk. "I need you to give it time," she counters turning around, her back facing him now. "Time?" he fires back fiercely, both hands in the air.

"Yeah time," she shouts back, facing him once more and his hands drop instantly, because she's too close now. "I need you to wait with whatever you were about to say because I," she points at herself, "I can't hear it right now. Not like this."

"Wait?" he repeats in disbelief. His jaw clenching he leans on the back of his heels. "Yes wait," she counters, "wait for me to be ready, like I waited for you."

"You never waited for me," he fires back, his hands in the air and he's still trying to understand why she's asking this from him. "What," her eyes widen, she takes a step away from him and he's seen that look on her face before. _"I did that because I wanted to make you feel better."_

"Do –" he tries, already regretting he just said that. But his sentence stopped by hers. "I did," she answers, "For twelve years I did. I was right there," she shouts pointing at her cubicle, "and I'm still here.. And I .."

"How the hell is breaking your own goddamn rule and pushing me into a relationship with Scottie, waiting for me?" he exclaims words he shouldn't be saying, but she's yelling at him and he's confused. Words leave his mouth before he can register them, but he already knew there was no way back now.

"Because I knew you weren't ready for the kind of relationship that I need," she fires back, tears now breaking free and her hand covers her head. Their fighting bringing her back to that one moment on the exact same place months ago. She just never figured she would have to endure another one.

"And what if I am now?"

Her mouth drops and she swallows. Closing her eyes she shakes her head. "If that really were the case you wouldn't say this just because you think I moved on, because you think it won't make a difference what you say or not," she answers lifting her shoulders and dropping them again.

"That's not why –"

She lets out a nervous laugh, looking away, cause right now she really doesn't know what's going on in his mind. Why he's telling her now and she decides then that it's now or never. "So if I told you right now," she looks him in the eye, "that I broke things off with Mitchell a week ago what would you do?"

His lips part just a little, before he freezes on the spot. Her words taking him off guard he falls silent and all he can do for a few seconds is stare at her, because he didn't expect her to say that. But it are a few seconds to long and she bites her lips.

"That's what I thought," she shakes her head looking down, "you still aren't willing to risk anything." He swallows, his eyes closing. "No, Donna," he breathes slowly lifting his head, but all he sees is his empty office.

.

She pushes the door closed behind her, she cried on her way back home. Wondering if she was losing her touch, was she really not able to read him anymore? Was she wrong for thinking he was changing? Was she wrong for hoping he would finally fight for her, for them? Or was she just late in registering her own words from a month ago.

 _A coward._

It's a word that doesn't come to mind when describing the great Harvey Specter, and normally she wouldn't call him that. Because he was courageous, he never gave up and he fought, but he never fought for his own feelings and that, that made him a coward.

.

 _A coward._

He knows she was right to call him that. _"I'm so sick of watching you fight like hell for everything in here and nothing that happens in here."_ A month ago, five and a half months ago, but not today. He shakes his head, not today. Today he was going to tell her exactly how he felt, because yes he realised he had been acting exactly like that.

He realised that even though she might be in a relationship, that that shouldn't stop him from telling her how he felt. Because he wanted her to know her options, he wanted to tell her that it was up to her. Her decision to make and that no matter what she'd choose or do, he'd always love her and he'd always be there for her.

She just surprised him with that news about Mitchell, he doesn't even know if it's true or not. But it turned everything upside down. Making what he thought would be hers to decide, his choice in that very moment and it caught him off guard.

" _Ready to run from one of the biggest fights of his life."_ But he's not a coward, not today. _"Because tomorrow it's going to be too late."_ Not now. His hand hitting the door just above those three numbers, because he wasn't the one that ran today.

.

She hears the knocking and she knows it him. She has hopes as to why he's here, but she can't tell herself she knows. Not one hundred percent, all she knows is she should open the door. Because he might just be doing what she had been wishing for all along.

Her hand falls around the doorknob and she opens the door before his hand can fall against the object again. She sees his arm drop and her eyes lock with his. Neither of them speaking, she turns aside letting him in. "Harvey why are you here?" she asks then walking past him again as he remains silent.

"Did you break things off with Mitchell?" he blurts out then. There are a million things he has to say to her, but he needs to know this first. She turns around to face him again. "What difference does that make?" she fires back.

"It makes all the difference in the world," he counters. "Did you break up with him?" he asks again, his tone firmer this time and all she can do is nod. "Why?" he takes one step forward, "Why did you break up with Mr. Perfect?"

"You know why," she answers still looking at him.

"Donna," he breathes his head crooked, "please, I need to –"

"Why are you here?" she interrupts him, because she's not going to say it if he isn't willing to do so either. "Because you can't keep running away every time I try to have this conversation with you," he counters. "And what if I don't want to hear it?" she throws he arms in the air, taking a step backwards.

"Tough luck, cause I'm going say it anyway," he bursts out, going face to face with her. "A month ago you told me that I keep running away from things, but every time I try to have this conversation, you run away without letting me say what I have to say. Now I might not be good at expressing my feelings, but you seem to be excellent at running away when I try to do so."

"Last time I checked you were the one that ran away," she blurts out then, her arm pointing at the hallway behind them and his jaw clenches a little. "Because you know what would have happened if I didn't," he counters with the same intensity she just did, his eyes locking with hers again.

She's done with assuming things, she just needs to hear him say it. Confirming what she knew all along. Her gaze not leaving his and she feels her heart starting to beat faster by their proximity. "And what would that be?"

"This," he answers. His right hand cupping her face and he kisses her. It takes only two seconds to register what's happening and her hands cling onto his shirt as she kisses him back. Her right arm wrapping around his neck before it moves down to his back.

He pushes forward, deepening the kiss his tongue slides against hers and it's everything he remember it to be and more. His hands traveling to her waist, his lips on her neck she moans as both of them bump into the corner of the couch.

He pulls back then, just looking at her and this time it are her hands on his shirt pulling him back. Their lips meeting in another passionate kiss, it are her fingers that undo his tie. Unbuttoning his shirt, it are his hands that search for the zipper of her dress, their hips grinding against the other.

Her fingers pressing into his shoulders as she pushes herself up just a little, sitting down on the edge of the backrest, he holds her close. His mouth exploring hers, his hands moving everywhere she lets him and her hands move to his belt, as his hands push her dress up her thighs.

They break the kiss once more, both out of breath they stare at the other. Her name escaping his lips as she opens the zipper of his suit pants, bringing her left leg up to his waist. He barely manages to hold her in place as his left arm pushes the pillows away, before his hand falls on her right leg.

Lifting her up she presses her body against his, her arms around his neck. Moaning his name against his lips as his left knee slides on the couch. Bending forward he lays her down, his lips are in her neck and everything from that moment on goes ten times faster.

Both still mostly dressed, but neither of them can wait any second longer. She pushes his boxers down and his hands only getting the chance to push her panties aside. Her heel pressing against his butt, she guides him towards her.

Her back arching and a soft scream of pleasure escaping her lips as he enters her. "Ooh god," she moans as his right hands lifts her leg a little and they connect even deeper. Her hand wrapping around his shoulder and nails digging into his skin as his hips roll against hers.

His other hand roams her body and she wishes she wasn't dressed now, she wishes her wasn't dressed now, her hands sliding under his shirt she tries to push it over his shoulders, his lips locking with hers in hastily kisses.

Somehow they manage to turn around and he squirms under her as she rides him, increasing the pace. They're both losing their breath, on the edge of ecstasy. He can feel her muscles starting to spasm and that enough to push him over the edge, his hands on her hips holding her close.

She moves twice more, his name changing into incoherent syllables as they leave her lips. Bending down her hand presses against the armrest above his head she leans down to kiss him. His arms move to her back and he holds her close.

Both out of breath, her head resting in the croak of his neck neither of them speak. The time they spend in each other's arms, their breathing the only thing disturbing the silence, longer than the act before. Which lasted only a few minutes tops.

Eventually his left hand moves to her face, pushing away the auburn locks that hang before her eyes and he looks at her then. Just looks at her and he can't help but smile. "Donna," he whispers his thumb moving over her cheek and then her lips. She hums opening her eyes and all she can do is look into his. "I lo –"

"I know," she whispers, letting her right hand draw patters over his chest. "I love you too," she adds with a smile and he chuckles softly, his hand catching hers. "So you're not even going to let me say it?" he whispers and she smiles raising her shoulders as she leans on her left elbow to look at him.

"Say what?" she smiles, letting his fingers slip between hers. "That I'm in love with you," he answer, "that's how," he finally answers her question from a few months ago as he brings their linked hands to his lips, placing a kiss on top of them.

.

Leaning on his left elbow he studies her. The way she sleeps in his embrace, the smile on her lips and he knows now he's never going to let her go. Not again. His lips pressing a kiss on top of her head he mumbles that he loves her. Always has and always will.

"You're staring," she mumbles as she stirs a little and his lips curl up as he kisses her neck and her shoulders. "And you're pretending to be asleep," he whispers, feeling her hand cover his that was protectively wrapped around her waist.

"No," she mumbles, turning around until her head rests on his chest. "I'm really sleeping," she adds letting her hand run over his bare torso and he smiles looking at her. He whispers her name. "How are you not sleeping right now?" she comments then, slowly opening her eyes and he bites his lip as her eyes finally lock with hers.

"Because having the most beautiful woman in the world in your arms makes sure you're awake," he whispers turning towards her a bit more. Placing a kiss in her neck again as his right hand moves over her sides. She bites her lip, her arms wrapping around his shoulders she pulls him closer. A small laugh escaping he lips as she looks at him. "Something else is awake too."

"Yes it is," he smirks kissing her again, making himself hover above her. She shakes her head a little before she kisses him again. "We do have a lot of years to catch up on," she counters, her hands tracing his arms. Her leg hooking around his, she lets her toes trail over his calf.

"I know," he nods, his lips meeting hers once more. "That's. My. Line," she mumbles in between kisses and he smirks, pulling back to look at her again. "I know," he answers again and she just laughs, her eyes locking with his. "You're lucky that I love you," she whispers in a warning tone. He smiles, his lips parting to say something, but she's faster. "Don't you dare say –"

"I love you too."

.

 ***six months later***

She's sitting on the couch, her legs pulled up and a cup of tea in her hand. She's reading bride's magazine when she hears the lock turn. She frowns as she looks over the breakfast bar to the door. Her lips automatically curling up as she sees him walk towards her.

"You're back early," she smiles as he sits down next to her. "I thought you were going to get drinks with Mike to celebrate?" He nods, smiling at her. "I was," he answers, "but he wanted to spend the evening with the woman he loves and I thought that was a good idea."

She crooks her head placing her cup back on the table. "You thought it was a good idea for Mike to spend some time with Rachel?" she teases him and he rolls his eyes looking at her as he takes her hand in his. His fingers playing with the ring he'd given her just three weeks ago.

"You know what I meant," he counters and she laughs sitting down on his lap, her hands sliding around his neck. "I know," she whispers, her hands playing with his hair as his arms fall around her waist.

"I have a gift for you," she tells him then and he frowns a little. "For not celebrating with Mike?" he mumbles and she shakes her head, "no, just for you," she answers as she gets up from the couch again. He looks over his shoulder as she walks off to their bedroom.

His eyebrows raised as she returns with her hands behind her back. Sitting down next to him again, she hands him the small rectangular box and he frowns once more as he takes it from her hands. "Open it," she whispers as she leans against his shoulder and he nods, following her orders.

Removing the bow and ribbon, he slowly lifts the lid. His eyes widening as he takes in the content. "Really?" he mumbles, his gaze still resting on the two pink stripes. "Yes," she smiles and he finally looks at her then. A big grin on his face as he pulls her closer.

"I love you," he kisses her. His hand moving to her still flat stomach and all she can do is smile back at him, her fingers intertwining with his she rests in his embrace. Both realising that after all this time they finally had all they ever wanted.

Together they have _everything_.

The End.

* * *

 **A/N : So this is the end of this fic. I hope you liked it and that it might in some way help with the 'mitchell' news on the show, that being the main reason I wrote this. Because I truly believe they kept him around the help the Darvey story line, all other relationships on the show have always showed or helped them in some way and Mitchell will do the same. I'm 100% sure and this was just my take on it.. giving Harvey a panic attack :P Anyway. .Thanks again for following and reviewing. Here's to Darveyweek and a great "Sexth uhm.. Sixth Season."**

 **xx**


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